Confession Sunday 10/15/17

Loneliness is a bitch.

I hate feeling alone and not fitting in. I've never been able to fit in in one way or another. In my family, it was because I was autistic and overweight. In junior high, I always felt more mature/smarter than my peers. In high school, I was just too different and more stuck in my fantasy world. In college, I didn't fit in with a couple of clubs I was in because I don't believe in God. Now I don't feel like I fit in in pageantry because of my atheism and my weight.

I hesitate to introduce myself to people and groups because I'm not good with rejection. I've been damaged by rejection from the day I was born, and I've been trying to heal from said damage for years. It doesn't help that every rejection I've ever had keeps replaying in my mind day after day after day, which does me no favors.

I guess you could say that I crave to belong. I crave that support that I've always needed but never received.
Being an autistic, plus size, black, atheist, mentally ill, pageant queen of a woman, I want to make friends, but it's just not easy for me. Yeah, I would like some local friends, as well as friends on the internet that I can talk to every day, not just once in a blue moon. I just don't want to sir around, trapped in my head all the time. I don't want to be the one making the first move all the time. It would be nice if more people reacted to me in a positive light instead of just running the other way.

I don't know. I'm an all around nice person with a lot of good qualities. It's just not easy as I would like it to be to make friends. But I'm willing to try.

Confession Sunday 9/10/17

How do you get someone to quit stalking you?

Easy. Change your look drastically.

My celebrity obsession did just that this week. Shaved their head straight into a buzzcut.

I. Hate. It. So. Fucking. Much.

I've always had a thing for guys with long hair, from Jason David Frank, to the Undertaker, to Shawn Michaels. Only two people have remained attractive when they'd cut their hair, the Undertaker, and this guy I had a crush on in college...though the latter actually became sexier, in his case.

Yes, I know, hair does grow back eventually. But it's up to the person owning the hair to decide if they actually want it to be long again. I sincerely and strongly hope that this person comes to their senses and realizes that long hair is part of what made them attractive in the first place.

Until then...all I have are sweet memories (photos and videos) to remind myself of a happier time. Whatever. I'll live. My heart will heal eventually.

"Who Am I?" In My Own Words

I'm Denise. I'm 37, and I'm a big girl. I'm biromantic demisexual. I'm a plus size pageant queen, the reigning America's Angelic Beauty. I'm a proud atheist, with some Satanic undertones. I'm an even prouder Capricorn. I don't work due to extenuating mental and physical health issues. I spent the better part of 10 years at community college with no degree to show for it.

I'm a part time writer, full time maladaptive daydreamer. I've been writing poetry and fanfiction for over 17 years. I'm working on several fanfics right now, including A Dark Nightmare Revisited and Damnation Arising, both of which can be found at fanfiction.net. I also do erotic fanfiction. My muses have been many including the Undertaker, Constantine Maroulis, and Steven Cojocaru.

I also enjoy cooking...and eating, reading (mostly Babysitters' Club and other erotic fanfiction), pageants, and being creative, which could mean anything from jewelry making to making signs on the computer.

Favorite TV shows include WWE Raw and WWE Smackdown, The Price Is Right, Arthur, Steve Wilkos, Jerry Springer, Diners, Drive-ins and Dives, Worst Cooks In America, The Real Housewives, Power Rangers, Rachael Ray, Ridiculousness, America's Test Kitchen, Cook's Country, Cooking with Nick Stellino, Simply Ming, Iron Chef, Mob Wives, Basketball Wives LA, Guilty Pleasures (a food show, get your minds out of the gutter), The Best Thing I Ever Ate/Made, Shahs of Sunset, Looney Tunes and King of the Hill, plus Cooking Channel and Food Network are my favorite channels.

My taste in music is eclectic. I like everything except religious music. My Undisputed Favorites playlist is filled with everything from Garth Brooks to Ren and Stimpy. My favorite singer? I'm obviously biased towards Constantine, but I also love Queen, Straight No Chaser, and Rockapella. Favorite songs include "I've Been In Love Before" by Cutting Crew, and "Fading Into You" and "Unchained Melody" by Constantine.

Obsessions? I have a few. I'm obsessed with Sailor Moon. Mainly Neo Queen Serenity. I love her crown and outfit, particularly in the original 90s anime, but I do wonder what it would be like to have people bow down to me and worship me.
I'm addicted to chocolate. I can go a day or so without it, but God help anyone that comes in contact with me on one of those days. LOL
I worship the fuck out of Steven Cojocaru. He's my idol, because he saved my life. He helped me through times when I was severely depressed and suicidal. He was going through kidney transplant ordeals, and his persistence and positivity inspired me to keep going on. I want to meet him face to face someday and thank him for being goals for my life.
WWE? Yes, please. Been hooked on WWE for over 20 years. Favorite wrestlers include the Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Roman Reigns and Shane McMahon. I've been to Summerslam in 2003, Wrestlemania in 2010 and Royal Rumble in 2013, plus other PPVs, Raws, Smackdowns and house shows.

When it comes to my mental health, I'm "officially" diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. But I KNOW I have depression, anxiety, trichotillomania, dermatillomania, autism (Was diagnosed at 3), adult ADHD, and PTSD stemming from years of physical child abuse and bullying, plus an attack in 2000.
Physically, I'm fat (and ugly), plus I have asthma, GERD, endometriosis, sleep apnea, and hypothyroidism. I also have back pain that comes on when standing or walking and only goes away when I sit or lay down.

If I want anything to be taken away from my story, it would be that you can survive if you put your mind to it. I know. I'm a survivor. I'm living the best way I know how and that's through taking life one day at a time. If it happens, it's OK. If it doesn't, that's OK too. Just do your best, day by day. Try not to beat yourself up too much. Find at least one thing that brings you joy (because come on, you know you have one), but keep it in perspective. Stay grounded in reality. Life may suck sometimes, but it's the only one you've got, so take advantage of it.

My Pageant Style Bio

Who is Denise Williams?

Just by looking at her, you see a 37 year old African American woman who's on the heavy side, with a patch of gray hair on her head.

What you don't know is that this over 400 pound woman from Phoenix, Arizona is the newly crowned Ideal Ms. Angelic Queen of America 2017-18 and is also on her second reign as Ms. Beautiful International Model.

She's held over 35 pageant titles (All but one being from online pageants) over the last 16 years. Her favorite titles she has represented include Miss American Rose National Duchess, Ms. American Majesty 2010, Today's American Woman Curvy Ms. Ambassador 2013 and 2 reigns as an America's Angelic Beauty titleholder.

Her main platforms include Mental Health Awareness and Anti-Bullying. Denise has used her titles to volunteer and raise money for multiple charities, including the PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease) Foundation, the Fairy Godmothers, NAMI, Relay For Life, National Kidney Foundation of Arizona, Make-a-Wish, American Diabetes Association, and Brain Injury Association of Arizona.

Denise was born in Queens, New York on January 11, 1980 to a crack addicted mother. She was soon taken in by a foster family who would eventually adopt her at the age of 3. Around that time, she was first diagnosed as autistic. She moved to Phoenix with her parents and older sister at the age of 10. It was when she was in 6th grade that she first encountered being bullied. The torment lasted through 8th grade, her being the target of peers and teachers alike.

At the end of her freshman year at Moon Valley High School, Denise was diagnosed as schizophrenic. During the second half of her sophomore year, she was transferred to an alternative school, Accommodation School. Working hard, Denise managed to graduate a year early and go straight to Glendale Community College where she spent the next 13 years learning various subjects and being a member of many clubs. Her resume includes several stints as President of the Exceptional Students Club, Treasurer of Drama Club, Secretary of Black Student Union and Secretary of MeCHa.

When she's not representing her titles, Denise can be found writing her various fanfiction and poetry, reading, watching WWE, Food Network/Cooking Channel and Bravo, cooking, singing karaoke, playing piano and just chillaxing.

Madonna In A Dominant World-Part 3

Madonna In A Dominant World-Part 3

I am a black sheep, a dark horse, a red-headed stepchild.

I am also a dreamer, a wisher, a wannabe.

I long for the days when I can be who I aspire to be...

A heroine, a beauty queen, a superstar.

I know life has dealt me a difficult hand...

And I've made the best of it so far.

I dream of the time when I can unleash the diva inside of me...

A confident woman with a dazzling personality who walks like the world is her own red carpet.

Someday I'll be that woman I envision in my mind.

I'm not giving up on her just yet.

Why should I?

I've made great progress to get where I am.

I'm not willing to stop now, nor am I wanting to go back to who I was before.

She is a goddess...

She is an unstoppable force...

She's brave, she's strong, she's passionate, and she's undeniably herself.

She is the woman I long to be.

And I have faith that someday, she will be me.

Laundromat

Laundromat

Where your clothes get clean, but your inner workings remain unchanged.

So you're doing laundry...

Time to clean your shirts, pants, and unmentionables.

If only we could clean the non-material items in our lives the same way.

Guilty consciences from hidden affairs, angry words said in the heat of the moment, tear tracks from broken hearts and lonely souls.

If only those could be washed away...

Cleansed into something much different.

Laughter in the background of get togethers, smiles from random strangers, kindness given freely and accepted without suspicion, and love passed around from one person to another, and another, and another until there's nothing but hope shining through for all to see.

If only the world could be healed like laundry can be washed.

It may do wonders for the outside, but on the inside, we're all still stained.

Madonna In A Dominant World-Part 2

Madonna In A Dominant World-Part 2

Remember that woman I told you about?

You've seen her...

You've met her.

You might dream about her, or about being with her.

You might even have a personal connection with her.

As for me?

I often question my ability to become her.

Is it too late for me?

Will I ever see her reflection in my eyes?

I long for the day when she finally comes out to play.

How long will she stay?

Will her appearance be quick and fleeting?

Will she become a permanent part of me?

I want to keep her close and learn all her secrets.

Whatever it takes to show her off and prove to the world that I can be her.

Who knows?

Maybe I'll teach her a few new tricks of my own.

One day, I'll be able to thank her for bringing out the best in me.

Because she's meant to be seen...

And I'll make sure she is.

Madonna In A Dominant World-Part 1

Madonna In A Dominant World-Part 1

Let me tell you about this woman...

We all know someone like her.

She's just a simple woman...

Who is also very complicated to figure out.

She's a woman of many contradictions.

Her passion is intense, yet she is calm.

Her spirit may be rogue, yet she is down to earth.

Her allure is divine, yet she is grounded.

Her anger may be quiet, yet her unspoken respect screams loudly.

I dare you to question who she is and what she brings to the table.

Her ambition and her strength...remarkable.

Her beliefs and her morals...unquestionable.

Her words are inspiring and her thoughts are provocative.

Her confidence is surreal and her talents are mesmerizing.

Watch this woman work her magic.

She reeks of charisma and exudes mystique.

She takes in hope and breathes out destiny.

She dares to dream and she lives to believe.

She's an enigma that we all seek in ourselves.

She is the ideal that we all aspire to reach.

She's envied by many, desired by few, and respected by all.

The question isn't whether or not you know her...

It's "Is she in you...or are you in her?"

Confession Sunday 6/18/17

Confession: I struggle with celebrity obsession. It goes beyond merely being a fan. It takes over every aspect of my life. For me, it's usually harmless. I fantasize about them, and I write fan fiction about them. No big deal, right?
Well, one of my celebrity obsessions has gotten the better of me more than once.
(Out of respect, I will not name said celebrity.)
I became a fan of celebrity in 2004 after seeing them on TV. I taped every show they were on, and I bought both of their books (even got a couple of copies autographed), and I made their health issues my pageant platform for a few years.
When I was going through severe depression in 2005, their comeback story inspired me to continue living when I really want to.
I found them on Twitter in 2009 and immediately followed them. I told them they saved my life and I was on good terms with them for a while. But then, I admit I got cocky because this person was actually talking to me. So now I was responding to all of their statuses, until one day, they'd had enough and blocked me. That devastated me enough to go into a second severe depression for the rest of 2009 and some of 2010.
In 2010, I began following this person again under a different name, and we went back and forth for several years, even video chatting once in one of the greatest moments of my life.
In 2015, it all changed. I casually asked them a couple of questions. Moments later, I discovered they'd blocked me again, both on Twitter and Instagram. So I got desperate and created new accounts. Finally, it came to a head in December 2015. After blocking me for a third time, they publically called me out. So I quit while I was behind.
That, of course, devastated and destroyed me beyond belief. For all of 2016, I was just done with everything. I was begging to just die and let it end. I just did not care. Because if this person wasn't in my life, what was the point of living anyway?
Fortunately, it took a shitload of counseling to deal with my pain and convince me to move on. So I wrote this person a letter and e-mailed it on New Year's Day. A day later, I realized that I was going to be OK, with or without their response.
Fast forward almost 6 months later...I still keep up with this person on social media, but I force myself to not like their statuses, no matter how funny they are. Yeah, it's a hard struggle...but despite it all, I still want to meet this person and at least give them a hug and thank them for being a huge inspiration in my life.
Until next time...

United By Tragedy-Prologue and Part One

United By Tragedy

Author's Notes and shit: This is the third series I'm proud to present to you. What happens when you watch too much Sailor Moon R? This fanfic starring my muse, Constantine Maroulis. I am obsessed with Neo Queen Serenity and the idea of Crystal Tokyo. Of course, I often imagine what it would be like to reign as queen over the whole world. But I digress.

This is not my usual erotica. I guess you could call it an alternate universe version of my character, Ashleigh. This fanfic contains some violence and some questionable sexual situations that might be an unwelcome trigger for some people.

Prologue

In a rose garden, a young girl sat on a bench. She absentmindedly played with her pearl bracelet, a gift given to her by her father.

"Daddy..." She said quietly as a tear slipped down her cheek.

The tragic scene replayed itself in her head.

*flashback*

"You don't have to do this. Just put the gun down."

"No!"

"Listen to me. Just calm down, and give me the gun."

"I won't let you or anyone else come between us!"

"Please, stop!"

"NO!"

A shot rang out and a man fell to the ground. The girl came into the room and ran next to him.

"Daddy? Daddy!"

*end flashback*

"Princess?"

Her thoughts were interrupted by a hand on her shoulder. She looked up to see a young man standing next to her.

"How's Daddy?"

The man shook his head.

She wrapped her arms around his waist and looked up at him. "Will he be OK?"

"I don't know. It's too soon to know for sure."

"I want Daddy to be all right again."

"The doctors are doing everything they can to save him. All we can do is wait."

She looked down and sniffled. "Daddy..."

The man gently stroked her hair. "I know you're having a hard time right now. I had a conversation with Mom, and she's decided it's best if you weren't here."

"But I want to be here for Daddy."

"I know you do, but we need you to carry out a very important mission for us."

"What kind of mission?"

"You want to save Dad, right?" She nodded. "Well, come with me. I'll explain everything."


Part 1

It was a bright, sunny day in Brooklyn, N Y. Kids were playing, families were celebrating, and love was in the air...

And Constantine and Ashleigh Maroulis were feeling that love.

The couple was out in the park, feeding the ducks in the river. Soon, they ran out of bread and began walking, hand in hand, down the cement path.

They sat down on a bench and watched as the sun began to set in the sky.

"I love watching the sun go down." Ashleigh said. "Especially when I have someone to watch it with."

"A wonderful day...which hopefully leads to a wonderful night." Constantine added.

The two kissed in the shadow of the sun. He pulled her into his lap and deepened the kiss. They just stayed there for a while, making out as the crowds thinned out and people started to go home for the day.

Nearby, a head peeked out from behind a tree. The person watched Constantine and Ashleigh as they made out.

Ashleigh pulled away from her husband.

"What's wrong?" Constantine asked, concerned.

"I don't know. I just got this chill up my spine."

"Is it too cold for you?"

"No, nothing like that. I just have this strange feeling that our lives are about to be shaken up."

"Hmmm. I wonder what brought that on."

"I don't know...but I suggest we enjoy this moment while we have it. Who knows what could happen next?"

"I think I might have some idea." He leaned in and kissed her again, as if they hadn't stopped.

"Ahem."

Constantine broke the kiss and looked over his wife's shoulder.

In front of him was a young girl, with light brown skin and long brown hair. She was wearing a school uniform and a backpack on her back.

"You OK?" Ashleigh asked.

"Sorry, but it looks like we have company."

She turned around and saw the girl facing them. She hurriedly got off of Constantine's lap and straightened her clothes.

"I'm sorry." She quickly apologized. "I didn't realize anyone was watching us."

"Don't worry about it." The girl said. "My parents kiss all the time. I think it's sweet."

"Awww."

"Well, how can we help you?"  Constantine asked.

"Are you Constantine from American Idol?"

"The very same."

"Great! Come on! There's no time to lose." The girl grabbed his hand and tried to pull him off the bench.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa..." He stopped her in her tracks. "What's going on?"

"I need you to come with me right now."

"Hold it. Why does he have to go with you?" Ashleigh asked.

"My father's in grave danger and I have to bring Constantine home with me."

"But why?"

The girl ignored Ashleigh's questions and continued to pull Constantine with her. "Come on! My daddy needs you!"

"Hold on!" Constantine said loudly. "I'm sorry, but I can't just go off with you unless you tell us what's going on."

"I'll tell you once we get there. Let's go!" She said impatiently.

"Hold it!" Ashleigh practically yelled. She guided the girl over to her and looked in her eyes. "Look, young lady. We're willing to help you with whatever is going on, but we can't until you tell us why you need my husband to go with you so badly."

"Your husband?" The girl asked. Ashleigh nodded. "So that would make you Ashleigh."

"Yes."

She let go of Constantine's hand and pulled off a perfect curtsy. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Why, thank you. And what's your name?"

"K.C."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, too."

"OK. Now we've met each other." Constantine interjected. "Now what do you need from me?"

"You have to help my daddy. He's been hurt and only you can save him." K.C. pleaded.

"Listen." He said as he took her hand. "I'd really love to help you and your father...but it's not a good night for me. I have a concert later tonight that I have to get ready for, so I can't go with you."

"You can't?" K.C. asked tearfully.

"I'm really sorry. But if there's anything else I can do-"

"You sound just like my daddy!" She cried and turned to run away.

"K.C.! Wait!" Ashleigh called to her, hoping to stop her.

K.C. paused. "Why? Constantine won't help me, so what's the point?"

"I didn't say I wouldn't help. I just said that tonight's not the best night for me to help you." Constantine explained.

"So you will help me?"

"Of course. But you have to understand that I just can't drop everything for someone I don't know a lot about. I'd like to get to know you better before I meet your father."

"Speaking of parents...where is your mother?" Ashleigh asked. "Does she know you're out here by yourself?"

"Of course. She was the one who sent me here." K.C. responded.

"Really? Well, I don't like the idea of a little girl in this big city all by herself. Do you have family that are here with you?"

"No. My whole family's back home."

"Are you kidding me? Who in their right mind would send a little girl to Brooklyn to fend for herself?"

"My parents love me." K.C. said defensively.

"I'm not questioning that they love you. But I am questioning their judgment in letting you run around out here all alone. You can't trust anyone out here these days."

"I know. That's why my mom told that I had to find Constantine. She said he would take good care of me."

"What?!" Both Ashleigh and Constantine exclaimed.

"She said that I had to stay with him and his wife until I was ready to come back."

"Oh, my...Ashleigh...a word with you, please?" Constantine asked of his wife.

"Of course. K.C., you wait here. I think we have some things to discuss."

"It's cool." K.C. replied.

Ashleigh and Constantine took a few steps back, but not too far, so they could keep an eye on K.C.

"What the hell? She expects to stay with us!" Constantine whispered loudly.

"I know, but-"

"What are we supposed to do?"

"Do we have any other choice? We can't just leave her out here to roam the city by herself."

"You're right about that. But we absolutely have to get her back with her family as soon as possible, whoever and wherever they are."

"Fair enough."

The couple walked back to K.C.

"K. C.?" Ashleigh asked.

"Yeah?"

"Constantine and I have talked it over...and we'd love for you to stay with us."

"Really?"

"Yes. But only until we contact your family and get you back home, wherever that is." Constantine said.

"Yeah!" K.C. excitedly hugged Constantine. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"We're glad to do it." Ashleigh said as K.C. went to hug her.

The second she wrapped her arms around K.C., she saw in her mind a gun being fired. Ashleigh gasped at her vision.

"What's the matter?" Constantine asked.

"Oh, it's nothing. I thought I saw something. Never mind." She slipped her hand into K.C.'s. "Come on, let's go home."

"OK."

"You ready, Constantine?"

"Yeah. Let's go." He replied.

The two walked ahead of Constantine. He walked behind them and watched them.

'Ashleigh was definitely right about our lives being shaken up. But K.C....I have a lot of questions about this girl. Where did you come from...and why are you here?'

*******

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, a woman appeared from an alley.

"So this is Brooklyn in the year 2017. Far from the dump I expected it to be...but overall, not a bad place. Operation: Bring The Princess Home starts now. If this goes according to plan, I just might be able to redeem myself in her father's eyes. He'll see that I'm worthy of being part of the family. Then I'll take my destiny by the hand and all of my dreams will come true."