Loneliness is a bitch.
I hate feeling alone and not fitting in. I've never been able to fit in in one way or another. In my family, it was because I was autistic and overweight. In junior high, I always felt more mature/smarter than my peers. In high school, I was just too different and more stuck in my fantasy world. In college, I didn't fit in with a couple of clubs I was in because I don't believe in God. Now I don't feel like I fit in in pageantry because of my atheism and my weight.
I hesitate to introduce myself to people and groups because I'm not good with rejection. I've been damaged by rejection from the day I was born, and I've been trying to heal from said damage for years. It doesn't help that every rejection I've ever had keeps replaying in my mind day after day after day, which does me no favors.
I guess you could say that I crave to belong. I crave that support that I've always needed but never received.
Being an autistic, plus size, black, atheist, mentally ill, pageant queen of a woman, I want to make friends, but it's just not easy for me. Yeah, I would like some local friends, as well as friends on the internet that I can talk to every day, not just once in a blue moon. I just don't want to sir around, trapped in my head all the time. I don't want to be the one making the first move all the time. It would be nice if more people reacted to me in a positive light instead of just running the other way.
I don't know. I'm an all around nice person with a lot of good qualities. It's just not easy as I would like it to be to make friends. But I'm willing to try.
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