Confession Sunday 10/15/17

Loneliness is a bitch.

I hate feeling alone and not fitting in. I've never been able to fit in in one way or another. In my family, it was because I was autistic and overweight. In junior high, I always felt more mature/smarter than my peers. In high school, I was just too different and more stuck in my fantasy world. In college, I didn't fit in with a couple of clubs I was in because I don't believe in God. Now I don't feel like I fit in in pageantry because of my atheism and my weight.

I hesitate to introduce myself to people and groups because I'm not good with rejection. I've been damaged by rejection from the day I was born, and I've been trying to heal from said damage for years. It doesn't help that every rejection I've ever had keeps replaying in my mind day after day after day, which does me no favors.

I guess you could say that I crave to belong. I crave that support that I've always needed but never received.
Being an autistic, plus size, black, atheist, mentally ill, pageant queen of a woman, I want to make friends, but it's just not easy for me. Yeah, I would like some local friends, as well as friends on the internet that I can talk to every day, not just once in a blue moon. I just don't want to sir around, trapped in my head all the time. I don't want to be the one making the first move all the time. It would be nice if more people reacted to me in a positive light instead of just running the other way.

I don't know. I'm an all around nice person with a lot of good qualities. It's just not easy as I would like it to be to make friends. But I'm willing to try.

Confession Sunday 9/10/17

How do you get someone to quit stalking you?

Easy. Change your look drastically.

My celebrity obsession did just that this week. Shaved their head straight into a buzzcut.

I. Hate. It. So. Fucking. Much.

I've always had a thing for guys with long hair, from Jason David Frank, to the Undertaker, to Shawn Michaels. Only two people have remained attractive when they'd cut their hair, the Undertaker, and this guy I had a crush on in college...though the latter actually became sexier, in his case.

Yes, I know, hair does grow back eventually. But it's up to the person owning the hair to decide if they actually want it to be long again. I sincerely and strongly hope that this person comes to their senses and realizes that long hair is part of what made them attractive in the first place.

Until then...all I have are sweet memories (photos and videos) to remind myself of a happier time. Whatever. I'll live. My heart will heal eventually.

"Who Am I?" In My Own Words

I'm Denise. I'm 37, and I'm a big girl. I'm biromantic demisexual. I'm a plus size pageant queen, the reigning America's Angelic Beauty. I'm a proud atheist, with some Satanic undertones. I'm an even prouder Capricorn. I don't work due to extenuating mental and physical health issues. I spent the better part of 10 years at community college with no degree to show for it.

I'm a part time writer, full time maladaptive daydreamer. I've been writing poetry and fanfiction for over 17 years. I'm working on several fanfics right now, including A Dark Nightmare Revisited and Damnation Arising, both of which can be found at fanfiction.net. I also do erotic fanfiction. My muses have been many including the Undertaker, Constantine Maroulis, and Steven Cojocaru.

I also enjoy cooking...and eating, reading (mostly Babysitters' Club and other erotic fanfiction), pageants, and being creative, which could mean anything from jewelry making to making signs on the computer.

Favorite TV shows include WWE Raw and WWE Smackdown, The Price Is Right, Arthur, Steve Wilkos, Jerry Springer, Diners, Drive-ins and Dives, Worst Cooks In America, The Real Housewives, Power Rangers, Rachael Ray, Ridiculousness, America's Test Kitchen, Cook's Country, Cooking with Nick Stellino, Simply Ming, Iron Chef, Mob Wives, Basketball Wives LA, Guilty Pleasures (a food show, get your minds out of the gutter), The Best Thing I Ever Ate/Made, Shahs of Sunset, Looney Tunes and King of the Hill, plus Cooking Channel and Food Network are my favorite channels.

My taste in music is eclectic. I like everything except religious music. My Undisputed Favorites playlist is filled with everything from Garth Brooks to Ren and Stimpy. My favorite singer? I'm obviously biased towards Constantine, but I also love Queen, Straight No Chaser, and Rockapella. Favorite songs include "I've Been In Love Before" by Cutting Crew, and "Fading Into You" and "Unchained Melody" by Constantine.

Obsessions? I have a few. I'm obsessed with Sailor Moon. Mainly Neo Queen Serenity. I love her crown and outfit, particularly in the original 90s anime, but I do wonder what it would be like to have people bow down to me and worship me.
I'm addicted to chocolate. I can go a day or so without it, but God help anyone that comes in contact with me on one of those days. LOL
I worship the fuck out of Steven Cojocaru. He's my idol, because he saved my life. He helped me through times when I was severely depressed and suicidal. He was going through kidney transplant ordeals, and his persistence and positivity inspired me to keep going on. I want to meet him face to face someday and thank him for being goals for my life.
WWE? Yes, please. Been hooked on WWE for over 20 years. Favorite wrestlers include the Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Roman Reigns and Shane McMahon. I've been to Summerslam in 2003, Wrestlemania in 2010 and Royal Rumble in 2013, plus other PPVs, Raws, Smackdowns and house shows.

When it comes to my mental health, I'm "officially" diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. But I KNOW I have depression, anxiety, trichotillomania, dermatillomania, autism (Was diagnosed at 3), adult ADHD, and PTSD stemming from years of physical child abuse and bullying, plus an attack in 2000.
Physically, I'm fat (and ugly), plus I have asthma, GERD, endometriosis, sleep apnea, and hypothyroidism. I also have back pain that comes on when standing or walking and only goes away when I sit or lay down.

If I want anything to be taken away from my story, it would be that you can survive if you put your mind to it. I know. I'm a survivor. I'm living the best way I know how and that's through taking life one day at a time. If it happens, it's OK. If it doesn't, that's OK too. Just do your best, day by day. Try not to beat yourself up too much. Find at least one thing that brings you joy (because come on, you know you have one), but keep it in perspective. Stay grounded in reality. Life may suck sometimes, but it's the only one you've got, so take advantage of it.

My Pageant Style Bio

Who is Denise Williams?

Just by looking at her, you see a 37 year old African American woman who's on the heavy side, with a patch of gray hair on her head.

What you don't know is that this over 400 pound woman from Phoenix, Arizona is the newly crowned Ideal Ms. Angelic Queen of America 2017-18 and is also on her second reign as Ms. Beautiful International Model.

She's held over 35 pageant titles (All but one being from online pageants) over the last 16 years. Her favorite titles she has represented include Miss American Rose National Duchess, Ms. American Majesty 2010, Today's American Woman Curvy Ms. Ambassador 2013 and 2 reigns as an America's Angelic Beauty titleholder.

Her main platforms include Mental Health Awareness and Anti-Bullying. Denise has used her titles to volunteer and raise money for multiple charities, including the PKD (Polycystic Kidney Disease) Foundation, the Fairy Godmothers, NAMI, Relay For Life, National Kidney Foundation of Arizona, Make-a-Wish, American Diabetes Association, and Brain Injury Association of Arizona.

Denise was born in Queens, New York on January 11, 1980 to a crack addicted mother. She was soon taken in by a foster family who would eventually adopt her at the age of 3. Around that time, she was first diagnosed as autistic. She moved to Phoenix with her parents and older sister at the age of 10. It was when she was in 6th grade that she first encountered being bullied. The torment lasted through 8th grade, her being the target of peers and teachers alike.

At the end of her freshman year at Moon Valley High School, Denise was diagnosed as schizophrenic. During the second half of her sophomore year, she was transferred to an alternative school, Accommodation School. Working hard, Denise managed to graduate a year early and go straight to Glendale Community College where she spent the next 13 years learning various subjects and being a member of many clubs. Her resume includes several stints as President of the Exceptional Students Club, Treasurer of Drama Club, Secretary of Black Student Union and Secretary of MeCHa.

When she's not representing her titles, Denise can be found writing her various fanfiction and poetry, reading, watching WWE, Food Network/Cooking Channel and Bravo, cooking, singing karaoke, playing piano and just chillaxing.

Madonna In A Dominant World-Part 3

Madonna In A Dominant World-Part 3

I am a black sheep, a dark horse, a red-headed stepchild.

I am also a dreamer, a wisher, a wannabe.

I long for the days when I can be who I aspire to be...

A heroine, a beauty queen, a superstar.

I know life has dealt me a difficult hand...

And I've made the best of it so far.

I dream of the time when I can unleash the diva inside of me...

A confident woman with a dazzling personality who walks like the world is her own red carpet.

Someday I'll be that woman I envision in my mind.

I'm not giving up on her just yet.

Why should I?

I've made great progress to get where I am.

I'm not willing to stop now, nor am I wanting to go back to who I was before.

She is a goddess...

She is an unstoppable force...

She's brave, she's strong, she's passionate, and she's undeniably herself.

She is the woman I long to be.

And I have faith that someday, she will be me.

Laundromat

Laundromat

Where your clothes get clean, but your inner workings remain unchanged.

So you're doing laundry...

Time to clean your shirts, pants, and unmentionables.

If only we could clean the non-material items in our lives the same way.

Guilty consciences from hidden affairs, angry words said in the heat of the moment, tear tracks from broken hearts and lonely souls.

If only those could be washed away...

Cleansed into something much different.

Laughter in the background of get togethers, smiles from random strangers, kindness given freely and accepted without suspicion, and love passed around from one person to another, and another, and another until there's nothing but hope shining through for all to see.

If only the world could be healed like laundry can be washed.

It may do wonders for the outside, but on the inside, we're all still stained.

Madonna In A Dominant World-Part 2

Madonna In A Dominant World-Part 2

Remember that woman I told you about?

You've seen her...

You've met her.

You might dream about her, or about being with her.

You might even have a personal connection with her.

As for me?

I often question my ability to become her.

Is it too late for me?

Will I ever see her reflection in my eyes?

I long for the day when she finally comes out to play.

How long will she stay?

Will her appearance be quick and fleeting?

Will she become a permanent part of me?

I want to keep her close and learn all her secrets.

Whatever it takes to show her off and prove to the world that I can be her.

Who knows?

Maybe I'll teach her a few new tricks of my own.

One day, I'll be able to thank her for bringing out the best in me.

Because she's meant to be seen...

And I'll make sure she is.