I'm Not Letting Him Win

I'm Not Letting Him Win

Every day I wake up, I win.

Every breath I take, I win.

Every time I step out into the world, I win.

Every time I eat something I love, I win.

Every good night's sleep I get, I win.

When I laugh or smile, I win.

When I make others laugh or smile, I win.

When I hear a song I love, I win.

When I unleash my creativity, I win.

And that's just the everyday victories.

I've won other times too.

I got to talk to my hero, so I've won.

I met the Undertaker and shook his hand, so I've won.

I've been to numerous Raws, Smackdowns and PPVs, including a Wrestlemania, so I've won.

I've held several national and international pageant titles, so I've won.

I got to see my muse perform live once, so far, so I've won.

I graduated high school early so I've won.

As you can see, I've won my fair share of battles in this war known as my life.

Yeah, I've also lost some, but I'm still here to fight another day.

You hear that, you bitch?

I'm not down for the count yet.

I've got more battles to look forward to...

And more victories to claim in my name.

Believe me when I say I'm coming in swinging...

And I'm going to knock you down a peg or two.

You're not beating me without a fight...

And a fight is what you'll get if you continue to mess with me.

I Don't Wish This On Anybody

I Don't Wish This On Anybody

The many racing thoughts that rush through my mind, minute by minute...

The sleepless nights laying in bed awake because nothing helps...

The continuing quest for "normalcy", to live like others I see...

The constant feeling that you're misunderstood and not being heard...

When you feel everything has to be your way, your way, or your way...

Always feeling inadequate, like you never fit in, like you don't belong...

The fear of being judged on everything you do, wear, and say...

Worrying because the slightest thing could send you into a nasty downward spiral...

Not feeling like doing anything, hiding from the world because you fear it will be a bad day to even be awake...

The constant need for distractions and fantasy because reality can be such a dick...

Bad memories and humiliating moments from the past replaying themselves at every opportunity...

Fear that your ailing body will betray you at any given moment...

Refusing to look at yourself because you completely hate the way you look...

Continuously fighting the urge to just give up and end it all...

Wondering if good things will happen because the majority of what you've experienced has been anything but...

The loneliness that comes with a lack of true friends who value you for who you are...

Questioning why in the world you're still here...

This is the life I live 24/7/365.

It's my sentence for being born...

And my punishment for still being alive.

It is pure, absolute hell.

I do not wish this on anybody.

I don't want anyone to live my life.

I want them to live theirs as best as they can.

Maybe they'll find the happiness that eludes me.

Maybe they'll find the peace that never comes to me.

Maybe they'll find the love that always disappoints me.

I wish them the best...

Because if I can't have everything I want out of life...

They should get anything they want in theirs.

And The Seconds Keep Ticking

And The Seconds Keep Ticking

Tick, tick, tick...

I wonder if things will ever change.

I wonder if things will improve.

I wonder if things will get worse.

Tick, tick, tick...

I wonder when something's going to happen.

I wonder how it's going to affect me.

Tick, tick, tick...

Will I be pleased with the results?

Will I be completely devastated?

Will it inspire me?

Will it destroy me?

Tick, tick, tick...

I wish I could stop waiting.

I wish I could get the answers I need.

I wish this torture would end.

Why am I waiting for the answers...

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

When time won't wait for me?

Taking That Step Forward

Taking That Step Forward

Looking at the world around me...

All the different paths...

All leading to who knows where.

So...what now?

Where do I go?

How do I know I'm doing the right thing?

Not exactly the right time to flip a coin...

And "eeny meeny miney moe" just won't cut it.

Only one other way to go.

One step forward...then another...then another.

What do you know? I'm actually going somewhere.

I may not know where I'm headed...

And I may take the occasional wrong turn along the way.

But once I reach my destination, I can look back with pride.

It all begins with taking that step forward...

And never looking back.

The Victim No More

The Victim No More

38 years of life.

I have known nothing but abuse, pain, and suffering.

Just when I think I'm about to claim victory over my demons...

Reality sets in and I'm knocked back into despair.

I have cried and I have fought...

I have cursed their names and vowed revenge.

Yet...

I've never run away.

I've never given up.

I am not ready to admit defeat.

Because despite everything I've been through...

I AM STILL STANDING.

They've tried to bring me down...

They've tried to keep me down...

They've all failed.

Why do I still fight after all this time?

Simple.

I've got something to prove.

Not to them or to anyone else...

But to myself.

I need to win.

I have to win.

I have to prove to myself that I'm better than they are...

Better than they ever were...

And better than they ever will be.

It's about pride.

It's about victory.

It's about the ultimate revenge.

Being the one who stands up and proclaims...

"This is who I am...the victim no more."

I Love Him Anyway

I Love Him Anyway


You can laugh all you want at the way he looks, the way he dresses, the way he lives...

But I love him anyway.

You can say all the negative things you want about his lifestyle and his personality...

But I love him anyway.

You can believe what you want about his sexuality and his personal life...

But I love him anyway.

To you, he may be just another D-list celebrity, just another person with an opinion about fashion, just another man.

But to me, he is my idol, my inspiration, the reason I do what I do.

That's why no matter what...I'll love him anyway.

Reality Check

Reality Check


I may be a big girl, but there are some who are bigger than me, and there are people struggling get up to a normal weight.

I may be the color I am, but there are some who wish to be lighter, and there are some who would do anything to be darker, even if it kills them.

I may be displeased with the way I look, but there are others who are so obsessed with beauty, they resort to desperate measures to feel beautiful...and even then, sometimes they feel it still isn't enough.

I may hate my hair, but some people have lost theirs...because they want to be healthy again.

I may not have a college degree, a car, or a lot of money...but some people are having their possessions taken away from them, leaving them homeless...and hopeless.

I'm polite most of the time...but there are others who do not care who they hurt as long as they get what they want.

I graduated from high school a year early, while others decided to give up...and there are others who have done it later in life.

My beliefs may be different, but I'm still open-minded...while others go as far as to kill those who don't believe like they do.

Some people fight within their families, while there are others who fight for their country and leave their families behind.

I'm lucky to have been alive this long, yet there are too many others who have died way too young...and some who never get the chance to breath their first breath.

I ask "Why am I still alive?" But there are those who ask why their loved ones aren't.

I may live in a very crazy world...but I'm doing the best I can. I know who I am and what I've had thrown at me.

And I've still made it this far.

So guess what?

I'm not going anywhere for a while.

I've got more lessons to learn, more people to meet and things I want to accomplish while I'm here.

The world still has a lot more to offer me, and I have more to give the world.

So bring it on, because here I come.

I'm going to take advantage of every chance I have.

Because I am me, and this is my reality.